Here are my favorites ( but there are plenty more where they came form):
Her issues are related to race...as is everything in this country
Forty-six percentage of black women in this country are not and never have been married. It's an issue in our community. There is a shortage of eligible, hetero, employed black males due to a number of factors, which I won't go into. There are males of other races reluctant or hesitant to date black females. But, to quote Clarence Thomas, "whoopty damn doo." (Who knew he'd ever be useful for something?) If those obstacles are going to stop you, then just forget finding someone now. You've lost before you've started.
Forget that there are barriers and just move forward. As others have written, make a plan. Travel, volunteer, use a dating service or a yenta, but keep moving forward. You need to be exposed and circulating in a wider pool of people. Skip the bars. You don't really get to know people there.
My suggestion is the internet. You'd be amazed at the number of men looking. Write to men who interest you and see how many are just willing to write back. It'll be a great boost to your ego. There'll be losers there, too, but you can just throw them back.
But before you get to any of that, love yourself. You'll be stunned to discover how attractive that makes you to men.
LW....Cary is...
...exactly right!
Seven (eight, nine, ten...) years ago, I had the same problem. I am white, but zaftig-- ok, fat, but not unattractive. I could also be in a group of women (none of whom were very thin, or fashion models), and find myself the only one not approached by men. I was very aware that other women, even my friends, did not see me as serious competition (this was the case even in high school, when I was thin). Evwentually, I became so anxious and depressed by my inability to have a boyfriend that I actually went to therapy. There, I learned four very useful tips.
1. Treat yourself the way you wish a man would treat you. Want a guy to bring you flowers? Buy some for yourself, etc. In other words, take pleasure in your life. Do things for yourself without any thought of how they might or might not affect your dating prosepcts. You'll find yourself much happier and, as a result, more attractive.
2. Get out there. Face it: there is no one at work. There's probably no one in an evening class, either. But, at least in larger cities (I lived in Indianapolis), there are actually volunteer organizations that are set up for young(er), single men and women. I joined one: there were a lot of men.
3. Get out there some more. Essentially, don't think about yourself, or how you appear to the men you come in contact with. Simply focus on them, on helping them to have a good time, etc. When I interviewed for jobs, I noticed that I did a lot better if I didn't "load" each interview with fears and expectations; I just looked at them as potentially fun and interesting experiences. My dates got a lot better when I did the same for them. Men can smell fear; it scares away many of the good ones, and for some reason attracts the losers.
4. Remember that men are just people. Don't give them so much power, if that makes sense. Look at them as friends and allies in life, not as people who have to give you approval in order for you to be happy. Enjoy the men you meet--not sexually, but as friends. Enjoy your own single life. If you are happy, friendly, and just a little bit more outgoing, you will have someone to share that life with.
It really works, by the way. Within four months of implementing my therapist's suggestions, I met a great guy. In 3 months we were engaged, and we have now been married for seven years. As I write this, I can hear my four yr old playng with his train sets, my 5 yr old playing with her friend, and my 2 yr old is trying to steal my Diet Coke. Also, the laundry is backed up and the trash can is full of stinky diapers. Just think--all this could be yours!
Best wishes,
Leah
Mountain O' Bad Advice
Including from Cary, who seriously does not live in any real world universe that I recognize.
I suspect the LW lives in a major US metropolitan area. Unfortunately these places (NYC, Boston, SF, Chicago, LA and a few others) offer great job opportunities for women, which means they end up with disproportionately more college educated women in her age group than men. It doesn't take more than a few hundred extra members of one sex vs. another to throw off the balance, and I think in these major cities, the disparity is more like thousands. This has to make it much harder to meet someone for a woman the LW's age, and despite the rude Troll comments, this has nothing to do with her looks. (Yes, you'd have an advantage if you were a supermodel or beauty queen, but the vast majority of women in this world -- and MEN -- are merely average.)
There are loads of men in other parts of the country, especially in cities that are seen as "not as desirable", i.e., they are not hip or trendy. Those are the cities that the college educated women fled from, so they could live somewhere hip and trendy, not realizing they were also limiting their dating and marriage options. This is simple demographics, folks, and not some big "flaw" in the LW or anyone else in her situation.
Not realizing or accepting this, and beating yourself up for being a failure, or not attractive enough....or trying lame strategies such as throwing yourself at men in bars (re: Cary)...this stuff isn't going to work because the statistics are slanted against you. The LW has a further challenge because of her racial ambiguity: white men may perceive her as black, at the same time black men may see her as white. The reality is probably that this, plus the stats, is causing the men she meets to think SHE is probably not going to be interested in THEM....it's not rejection per se, but a form of social awkwardness that is not her fault.
I think the other problem is people over 30 thinking that the way to meet people is the bar scene, because it appeared to work for them, or their friends, when they were in college or their 20s. While some people obviously meet this way, for most people (male and female), this is a meat market that encourages people to judge others solely on physical appearance in a loud, hyper, party atmosphere. Few people come off at their best in such an environment, and the ones that do are often shallow posers (think of The Pick Up Artist, Mystery!) who are very outgoing and entertaining, but if you have to spend one-on-one time with are typically selfish and unable to form quality long-term relationships.
Another problem is that women (and some men) are reared on romantic novels, movies, TV shows, etc., where couples "meet cute", under adorable and amusing circumstances, and say clever things to each other and then BAMM! instant love, marriage and babies. This isn't reality for most of humanity. REAL relationships take time and happen slowly as people get to know one another, and yes (as a few other posters have said), you DO have to be willing to tackle this as "work", even though that seems very unfun....you need to make a real effort to get out and meet people, subscribe to online dating sites, go out with total strangers or blind dates, and let your friends/family/co-workers know you are in the market to meet someone so that they can keep a lookout for you. In other words, you have to take responsibility for creating your own love life and social contacts, and not take it for granted that it will "just happen".
BTW: unless your sole experience of life is internet porn (I am talking about Trolls! Listen up!), you would realize that nearly everyone can find a partner, regardless of looks or age or money. If only super models and hot gorgeous 20-something women could find partners, then the entire human race would have died out milennia ago.
LW, join my Buppie Club
Chick, you, me, and most of my black female friends could start our own club. At our age, our options are depending on friends to hook us up with blind dates, online dating, or raiding the U.S. prisons (yes, I have two friends who went that route with poor results).
The club setting is not the best place because clubs and bars are about eye candy and not substance. You have to be a lot more outgoing and wear a lot less clothing to really work it in those settings.
And as racially ambiguous you have to deal with the added stress that most white men are scared to chat us up(in public, not in private), and if you don't purport yourself to be "Goodtime Gerta" in black social settings, I bet black men will give you a wide berth too.
Also, let's be real here: Are you attractive as in sexy, or attractive as in pretty? If you look like attractive "Church Girl" you won't get play. I've seen ugly girls get play simply because their every mannerism screams sex and they are flirts. A man will give Jabba the Hut some play if Jabba eyes him up and down and smiles at him. LOL
Finally, I gotta say that you need to assess your mannerisms and personality, then find the setting that matches your strengths. If you are witty, but not very social, try online dating. If you need to warm up to someone before your true self emerges, then join some organizations, get involved, and try to meet a guy that way.
But you have to try something else, b/c clearly a shy smile and hanging with your friends in a bar isn't cutting it. Good luck!
So it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that the best advice anyone can give is to be confident, smile and keep trying...and so I will.
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