Reading Material

Here is some interesting reading material, another woman in a similar situation to mine. It's letter to Salon's advice column by Cary Tennis. The letter, titled "I'm sexy and avaiable! Chat me up!", was from a young black woman who grew up in a mostly white environment and found , when going out with friends, that no men approached her. Though the advise was on point ( if a bit of a dodge on the race issue) the best thing about this piece were the comments.

Here are my favorites ( but there are plenty more where they came form):

Her issues are related to race...as is everything in this country

Forty-six percentage of black women in this country are not and never have been married. It's an issue in our community. There is a shortage of eligible, hetero, employed black males due to a number of factors, which I won't go into. There are males of other races reluctant or hesitant to date black females. But, to quote Clarence Thomas, "whoopty damn doo." (Who knew he'd ever be useful for something?) If those obstacles are going to stop you, then just forget finding someone now. You've lost before you've started.

Forget that there are barriers and just move forward. As others have written, make a plan. Travel, volunteer, use a dating service or a yenta, but keep moving forward. You need to be exposed and circulating in a wider pool of people. Skip the bars. You don't really get to know people there.

My suggestion is the internet. You'd be amazed at the number of men looking. Write to men who interest you and see how many are just willing to write back. It'll be a great boost to your ego. There'll be losers there, too, but you can just throw them back.

But before you get to any of that, love yourself. You'll be stunned to discover how attractive that makes you to men.

LW....Cary is...

...exactly right!

Seven (eight, nine, ten...) years ago, I had the same problem. I am white, but zaftig-- ok, fat, but not unattractive. I could also be in a group of women (none of whom were very thin, or fashion models), and find myself the only one not approached by men. I was very aware that other women, even my friends, did not see me as serious competition (this was the case even in high school, when I was thin). Evwentually, I became so anxious and depressed by my inability to have a boyfriend that I actually went to therapy. There, I learned four very useful tips.

1. Treat yourself the way you wish a man would treat you. Want a guy to bring you flowers? Buy some for yourself, etc. In other words, take pleasure in your life. Do things for yourself without any thought of how they might or might not affect your dating prosepcts. You'll find yourself much happier and, as a result, more attractive.

2. Get out there. Face it: there is no one at work. There's probably no one in an evening class, either. But, at least in larger cities (I lived in Indianapolis), there are actually volunteer organizations that are set up for young(er), single men and women. I joined one: there were a lot of men.

3. Get out there some more. Essentially, don't think about yourself, or how you appear to the men you come in contact with. Simply focus on them, on helping them to have a good time, etc. When I interviewed for jobs, I noticed that I did a lot better if I didn't "load" each interview with fears and expectations; I just looked at them as potentially fun and interesting experiences. My dates got a lot better when I did the same for them. Men can smell fear; it scares away many of the good ones, and for some reason attracts the losers.

4. Remember that men are just people. Don't give them so much power, if that makes sense. Look at them as friends and allies in life, not as people who have to give you approval in order for you to be happy. Enjoy the men you meet--not sexually, but as friends. Enjoy your own single life. If you are happy, friendly, and just a little bit more outgoing, you will have someone to share that life with.

It really works, by the way. Within four months of implementing my therapist's suggestions, I met a great guy. In 3 months we were engaged, and we have now been married for seven years. As I write this, I can hear my four yr old playng with his train sets, my 5 yr old playing with her friend, and my 2 yr old is trying to steal my Diet Coke. Also, the laundry is backed up and the trash can is full of stinky diapers. Just think--all this could be yours!

Best wishes,

Leah

Mountain O' Bad Advice

Including from Cary, who seriously does not live in any real world universe that I recognize.

I suspect the LW lives in a major US metropolitan area. Unfortunately these places (NYC, Boston, SF, Chicago, LA and a few others) offer great job opportunities for women, which means they end up with disproportionately more college educated women in her age group than men. It doesn't take more than a few hundred extra members of one sex vs. another to throw off the balance, and I think in these major cities, the disparity is more like thousands. This has to make it much harder to meet someone for a woman the LW's age, and despite the rude Troll comments, this has nothing to do with her looks. (Yes, you'd have an advantage if you were a supermodel or beauty queen, but the vast majority of women in this world -- and MEN -- are merely average.)

There are loads of men in other parts of the country, especially in cities that are seen as "not as desirable", i.e., they are not hip or trendy. Those are the cities that the college educated women fled from, so they could live somewhere hip and trendy, not realizing they were also limiting their dating and marriage options. This is simple demographics, folks, and not some big "flaw" in the LW or anyone else in her situation.

Not realizing or accepting this, and beating yourself up for being a failure, or not attractive enough....or trying lame strategies such as throwing yourself at men in bars (re: Cary)...this stuff isn't going to work because the statistics are slanted against you. The LW has a further challenge because of her racial ambiguity: white men may perceive her as black, at the same time black men may see her as white. The reality is probably that this, plus the stats, is causing the men she meets to think SHE is probably not going to be interested in THEM....it's not rejection per se, but a form of social awkwardness that is not her fault.

I think the other problem is people over 30 thinking that the way to meet people is the bar scene, because it appeared to work for them, or their friends, when they were in college or their 20s. While some people obviously meet this way, for most people (male and female), this is a meat market that encourages people to judge others solely on physical appearance in a loud, hyper, party atmosphere. Few people come off at their best in such an environment, and the ones that do are often shallow posers (think of The Pick Up Artist, Mystery!) who are very outgoing and entertaining, but if you have to spend one-on-one time with are typically selfish and unable to form quality long-term relationships.

Another problem is that women (and some men) are reared on romantic novels, movies, TV shows, etc., where couples "meet cute", under adorable and amusing circumstances, and say clever things to each other and then BAMM! instant love, marriage and babies. This isn't reality for most of humanity. REAL relationships take time and happen slowly as people get to know one another, and yes (as a few other posters have said), you DO have to be willing to tackle this as "work", even though that seems very unfun....you need to make a real effort to get out and meet people, subscribe to online dating sites, go out with total strangers or blind dates, and let your friends/family/co-workers know you are in the market to meet someone so that they can keep a lookout for you. In other words, you have to take responsibility for creating your own love life and social contacts, and not take it for granted that it will "just happen".

BTW: unless your sole experience of life is internet porn (I am talking about Trolls! Listen up!), you would realize that nearly everyone can find a partner, regardless of looks or age or money. If only super models and hot gorgeous 20-something women could find partners, then the entire human race would have died out milennia ago.

LW, join my Buppie Club

Chick, you, me, and most of my black female friends could start our own club.

At our age, our options are depending on friends to hook us up with blind dates, online dating, or raiding the U.S. prisons (yes, I have two friends who went that route with poor results).

The club setting is not the best place because clubs and bars are about eye candy and not substance. You have to be a lot more outgoing and wear a lot less clothing to really work it in those settings.

And as racially ambiguous you have to deal with the added stress that most white men are scared to chat us up(in public, not in private), and if you don't purport yourself to be "Goodtime Gerta" in black social settings, I bet black men will give you a wide berth too.

Also, let's be real here: Are you attractive as in sexy, or attractive as in pretty? If you look like attractive "Church Girl" you won't get play. I've seen ugly girls get play simply because their every mannerism screams sex and they are flirts. A man will give Jabba the Hut some play if Jabba eyes him up and down and smiles at him. LOL

Finally, I gotta say that you need to assess your mannerisms and personality, then find the setting that matches your strengths. If you are witty, but not very social, try online dating. If you need to warm up to someone before your true self emerges, then join some organizations, get involved, and try to meet a guy that way.

But you have to try something else, b/c clearly a shy smile and hanging with your friends in a bar isn't cutting it. Good luck!

So it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that the best advice anyone can give is to be confident, smile and keep trying...and so I will.

The Problem of Possible

I begin this post fittingly accompanied the by strains of the Disney classic "Someday My Prince Will Come." Tonight, however, instead of the slightly ridiculous soprano there are plaintive notes of Miles Davis's trumpet. Now the song has a sort of wistfulness, removing any remnant of the two dimensional apple-cheeked heroine.

The Davis version conjures images a woman at the mercy of his desire to contact her.
Women have been wishing and hoping since before Dusty put it into song. As America marched west there were women making innocent but incessant inquiries to the post office; their queries increasing in frequency and desperation with each passing day. Later in the century, there was many a woman spending her Saturday nights, dressed to the nines nights--expectantly staring the phone. Flash forward once more, through the feminist revolution and all it waves, there's a new breed of woman. She is empowered and intelligent,with appropriately high self-esteem. There she is... checking her e-mail to the point of compulsion. For the last week , gentle reader, I have been the third woman.

In response to my most honest Craigslist ad I received a reply from a guy who was perfect on paper-- or, more accurately, perfect in e-mail ( he shall henceforth be known as PIE). PIE says he's "a liberal, progressive Christian." PIE has favorite poets. PIE has stories to tell about his labor organizing. PIE is very cute in an indie kind of way.

I thrilled at the prospect of PIE and immediately wrote him back, then I forwarded his response to Millie for her take. Here are her words, exactly:

"Yes. yes, yes!

Smart skinny white boy -- he's perfect for you! I don't know why but I got a good feeling about this one."

Yet, my reply had no answer. After two days, I was forcing myself to give him up. My male housemates who introduced me to this world Craigslist dating said that if someone doesn't contact you after two days, they aren't likely to. I took them at their word and found myself grousing to a friend at work. She replied with a faux slap and a bit of exasperation, "He's a grad student! He teaches! He probably has no time. Wait a little longer."

Here is the problem, the internet provides numerous ways for us to contact each other. It also has many ways this communication can go wrong and thus, infinite excuses we can make for silence. This may come in handy when forgetting your friend's birthday pretending to never have received a memo but it makes the dating game that much more suck.

We get lots of rules--from friends, from our parents, from poorly written yet extremely popular books. They tell us when to call back, when to expect a call, when to kiss and they're never quite right; they exist to make us guard our hearts while still putting ourselves out there. If you read these books you'll find their advice boils down to just a few cautionary tips: hope but not too much, give but not too often and often you should and must to walk away. There are always exceptions to the rules and we hope in those exceptions because that's where the magic is, where everything we heard in all those songs is true.

Love is an unruly, unquantifiable entity; on a level, we know the rules from various sources won't get us true love--that just happens. It's the difference between God and religion. The former works in God's own time, on God's own schedule --often without our knowledge. The latter was created by man so we feel we have participated. God would not cease to exist if all the churches closed tomorrow, nor would love cease to exist if everyone gave up dating. Yet, believing by itself is hard, so we keep busy with our rituals until our faith is rewarded.

I've not heard from PIE and doubt I ever will. PIE might have gotten back together with his old girlfriend. PIE might have been hit by a bus. PIE may have had a sexual awakening and now hosts drag bingo. I'll never know but I am smart enough to write him off, finally. The romantic in me may protest a little, but she'll get over it. (Besides if he does write me back, at this point, it would be such an exception that we'd have to get married and I'm not there yet.) Regardless, I will solider on with different ads or blind dates or singles ballroom. I do believe that someday my prince will come but until he does, I'll keep busy while keeping the faith.

For Colored Girls, When the Internet Isn't Enough

I hate to say it but maybe Deborah Dickerson had a point. In the world of dating, I have to say it's hard out here for colored girls, y'all. Centuries of American history have shown that statement true in general, but the more recent realization is that the internet is not the veritable dating buffet I've been promised in all those banner ads. It has taken me a long time to reach this point.

I first tried online dating while still in college. My good friend Roz and I were commiserating about the lack of actual dating on our campus ( the other options: hooking up or a bizarre form of practical marriage that typically lasted two weeks and involved co-habitation on an extra-long twin) She told me about her success on The Onion Personals. Sincerely believing that publication could do no wrong, I set up a profile. After a lengthy period of echoing silence threatened myself-esteem I took it down. A few months later, I decided to try again with the Washington Citypaper's web personals.This time Instead of silence, I received persistent notes from a 47 year old (I was 22 at the time.) and one indecent proposal that shocked me off the site. That was all. Weren't there any decent guys my age? Because all things come in threes, a year later a good friend high school came to me singing the praises of Yahoo! Personals. Glutton for punishment that I am, I tried, failed and retreated...again.

The whole thing had me mildly perplexed. I believed (and still do) that I posses intelligence,attractiveness and a personality that should allow me to spend a lot less time dateless. My friends aforementioned friends and I were/are well matched in these qualities even and they encouraged me my online efforts; confident that my luck would eventually turn around. Still, in 19th century ball of life, their dances cards were full while I played the reluctant wallflower, forming strong opinions on the punch.

At this point I was convinced that identifying as Christian on these mostly left-leaning sites was the factor blocking me form digital love. Also, I'll allow that part of the trouble may have been my reluctance to *cough* pay for any of these dating sites. In each case I wanted to make sure that I could generate some interest before plunking down my hard earned dosh. Would my results have been different if I fully invested in these sites? Perhaps but that initial silence makes me doubt it.

Yet after more extended stretches of singleness I decided to follow my housemates into the wilds of Craigslist dating. My first survey-style ad garnered several fun to read responses. I mentioned very little about myself, hoping to develop e-mail correspondence instead. The result was one date; sparkless but, more importantly painless. My date was exactly who he said he was. he was not crazy, scary or married. We had a pleasant conversation over beverages and went our separate ways. Fearlessly, I plunged in with my next ad.

This one explicitly expressed my desire to meet a Christian or spiritual person who shared my liberal politics. Instead of a firestorm of criticism I partially expected I got almost twenty sincere responses. I replied to those who best revealed elements of their personalities in their e-mails. for these missives I summoned all my wit and thoughtfulness. Also, on the advise of my wisest friend, Millie, I sent my photo. Wow...there's that horrible silence again; I was absolutely gutted.

"Am I really that unattractive?" I wailed from the computer table. My housemate, also an African-American woman looked at my photo and after confirming my cuteness asked the question my subconscious was avoiding. "Did you mention you were black?" my mouth hung open for a moment. "I don't think so...do you think?" She just nodded and started up the stairs. I hadn't mentioned anything about my race, thinking my respondents would expect/accept anything--silly girl. European-Americans are the cultural baseline this country, even in a majority black city like Washington. Being a minority in this country means being a cultural afterthought. I am privileged enough not to be reminded of this everyday, but I didn't feel that way at the moment. Instead I sighed and signed off, vowing to not to weep into the keyboard. Somehow, I took comfort in the idea I was being rejected for my faith. Lying in my bed I felt the almost-crushing weight of this new old rejection. I sniffled a little, rolled over and forced myself to sleep. the next day I was determined to forget internet dating altogether.

It was after another conversation with Millie that I decided to conduct an experiment and confirm my suspicions. I posted the same ad on the same day of the next week,this time specifically mentioning my race. By the end of the week my number of responses had dropped by two-thirds and they were less detailed and/or well written that the first week's. The respondents generally skewed older and I got my first negative response to the ad.

Now, arguably there are mitigating factors of people seeing the same ad or in a different population do the CL personals week to week but still, the prospect of a black female made ad 66% less interesting to DC CL users.

Ow.

Well, I guess the heart just wants what it wants... everyone has their own biases...I'm generally less attracted to blondes so...

No, just ow.

I remember discussing with an Asian female frend whether it was better to fetishized or ignored. While I would never sign up to be the next Suzie Wong or Hottentot Venus, I have to say I'm awful sick of the latter. Millie encouraged me to blog on this experience because these topics aren't discussed on most dating blogs. Most are written with my previous obliviousness/forced blindness to how the national obsession plays into our romantic lives. When reading "Savage Love" or "Tell Me About It" I'll have to find that grain of salt I read Seventeen with in high school. (To the members of that editorial board: not everyone needs bronzer.) In short, I'll have to listen to my mother. She said at some point, no matter how accepted I am, black people have to work twice as hard to get what they want. Who would have thought this would apply to my dating life more than my working one. As for future romantic adventures? I haven't completely given up on CL. It's forcing me to get myself out there at the very least. Also I think I'll try speed dating, I'm really winning in person.